The past couple of days, I’ve been struggling with my body. I just don’t feel good in it.
I’m doing all the right things. I’m eating well again, taking my supplements, and keeping my gym appointments with the fervor of a new convert.
But I’m incredibly frustrated.
Instead of seeing a body that just went through a huge surgery, I’m seeing a weak body. I see someone who has to ask for help lifting and carrying at work, and for extra sit-down breaks. I see someone who still takes an oxy every once in a while, to stop the screaming of unused muscles. I see someone who falls asleep after breakfast and dozes until it’s time to work, works 8 or 9 hours, and falls asleep instantly when she gets home to bed.
Then I get angry. I had a huge surgery only 2 1/2 months ago. One that rearranged my insides and removed an organ that was slowly killing me and robbing me of my physical stamina and strength. This body fought the good fight and kept us going until I could get the surgery I needed… and that was after fighting for my mother’s health and safety and lets not forget my own mental illnesses… why on earth am I frustrated when my body and I are doing our best?
So then I cycle.
Feel bad about myself
Beat myself up for feeling bad about myself
Feel bad about beating myself up
Beat myself up over beating myself up
Feel bad about myself….
And I loop.
But let’s face it. This body isn’t the body I had last year, when the pain and life circumstances knocked me down. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been, at 278 pounds. My cholesterol is creeping up, which is frightening since heart disease runs on my mom’s side of the family. My body fat percentage is 46%, which falls in the dangerously high category. I don’t move the way I want to, I don’t look the way I want to, and I don’t feel the way I want to.
Hormonal changes are making it worse, I’m sure. I not longer get periods, but my body still cycles because they left me my ovaries. Instead of cramps, I get hot flashes and night sweats that leave me shivering and drenched and gross. My face and back are breaking out again, and my eczema is back on the bottoms of my feet.
I’m a mess.
Do I know this will eventually even out? The rational side of my brain does.
The irrational toddler with ADD and an anger management problem insists that things get fixed now or they will never be better at all.
The rational side of my brain says I have a one year goal that is attainable and I’m doing all the things to get my body and brain back in shape.
The irrational toddler wants to shut the rational side up with Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream and a nap.
The rational side says that’s a bad idea and recommends a salad with salmon and avocado. Healthy fats and all that.
The toddler throws a gin and tonic in the rational side’s face and screams in the corner.
Ok, I may have taken the analogy a little far, but you get the picture.
As always, writing this out helps.
I also want to put out there, I’m not saying fat is bad. I am saying my fat is currently bad for me and my well-being. You go be whoever you want to be at whatever size makes you happy and healthy. Be your beautiful self. I’m not at my best self, and I’m venting my frustrations with that.
I’ll be over here, eating lettuce and looking longingly at the peanut butter cups…