This whole learning how to be a person thing? It’s really fucking hard.
But, I have to remember that it’s worth it, too.
A month and a half on the Cymbalta. I’ve made it through Thanksgiving, and a crazy Black Friday at work. I’ve been on my feet for weeks straight, stopping to sleep and occasionally cuddle a loved one, and I’m ready for a day off.
But I don’t feel flattened. I don’t hurt all over. I’m sleeping well and I have energy. I still haven’t started therapy, but it’s on the list.And the positives far outweight the negatives, even still. The medicine is worth it; I’m getting my self back.
It feels much like when I had my Lasik surgery earlier this year. The first few days were tough. Nothing was in focus, and I have flashes of bright clarity that almost hurt. Then, gradually, my vision settled down, and I could see clearly without glasses for the first time in my life.
The first weeks of anti-depressant medication was hard. I felt overwhelmed and fragile, with flashes of bright beauty. A pain-free day, an hour of laughter with my husband, a beautiful morning in the arms of my lover. And slowly, the clarity and beauty is becoming my reality.
I get dizzy. I forget to eat, because the meds kill my appetite. I sleep much more. It’s more difficult to reach orgasm.
I connect with my loved ones better. I laugh more. I sleep more soundly. I perform better at work I have more focus. I hurt less. I snuggle more. I have more stamina for everyday activities.
I’ve had many tearful conversations with my husband. This world of feelings? It’s hard and scary. Knowing that I will likely be on meds for the rest of my life? Kinda sucks. Having a bad day terrifies me because I don’t want the darkness to take over again. A sore ankle is frightening because it reminds me of when I hurt all over all of the time.
The medication isn’t a one-time solution. I merely opened the door, so I could start a long journey toward healing. And I’m worth it. I deserve to laugh. I deserve to feel good. I deserve to connect with my loved ones. And I deserve their love and suppport.
I’m worth taking care of.