Where to now?

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Yeah… That about sums it up.

I haven’t heard from Wash in almost two weeks. Nor do I expect to. I won’t contact him again. I have some of his stuff, but if he wants it, he has to get ahold of me.

So…

Two relationships failed in the last eight months. And I guess the question is, where do I go now?

The answer is both simple and not… I want to date again, but I’m feeling a little cracked and shell shocked from all the crazy I’ve encountered this last year. I had a nineteen year old hit me up on OKC, but I didn’t answer him. I could have been his mother, and that was very very weird.

I float on, I guess, buoyed by the amazing people that surround me. In a way, this breakup has almost been easy… Things were great until the crazy exploded and then they weren’t great and then they were over. Better that then the slow death by inches of the other relationship, no one acknowledging the problems until they were too big to fix.

My people have been amazing. Mr Awesome… My best friend and lover and the other half of my soul. He held me for my tears and taught me how to punch things safely so I don’t roll my wrists. He’s given me my space and the comfort of his arms. Velah with her fun, funny texts and her loves and her little gifts. Moredena listening to me over dinner. Jirris inviting me over for tea and a chance to chat and blow off steam. An old friend chatting with me through Facebook. Even my co-workers… I’m a lucky soul to be able to be out at work. My boss, funny and snarky and caring and my two part time girls who are full of hugs and kind words.

I float on.

So what if the current of my life got redirected? I still float on.

A the dust settles, I am making plans for my summer. On Wednesday, I see my doctor for all the tests for what used to be quaintly called “social diseases”. Mr Awesome and I celebrate 15 years of marriage on June 28th. We are going to the coast. In July, I get to go see my favorite author speak, and I hope to get a book or two signed while I’m there. Then there is July fourth and our big annual BBQ, and my personal retreat, and camping trips for the kids, and summer reading and back to school and big sales at work and my birthday and my husbands birthday and harvest parties and canning and lazy days at the park…

I float on.

I don’t feel the dark currents this time, pulling me down. I know everyone is concerned, that no one wants to see me spiral again.

I don’t want to spiral again…. I don’t want to lose myself, again. He is absolutely not worth it, nor is anyone else in his life. Our time was good, but it is over. I think I’ve always known it would never last. Fires that burn so brightly never burn for very long.

So here I am. Moving forward. Choosing life, choosing to move on and not look back. To enjoy where the current takes me this time, and not mourn the places I have been.

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