What I know

There have been so many half truths and odd words, that I’m not sure what to believe right now. I need to sort this out in my head… To get my memories straight and piece together what went wrong, so maybe I can learn and not make the same mistake again.

So.
Here is what I know…

When we met, you were partnered to Herself. I met Herself at that same party where I met you. I friended both of you on Facebook the next day.

I know that I wanted you from the minute I met you. You interested me. I was sad you were already partnered, but I had hoped maybe we could still be friends.

I know our text messages got flirty and hot and sexual very fast. And that’s when I told you I was poly. And you said you were also in an open relationship. That Herself was not interested in sex with you anymore, that she had given you permission to go outside your relationship for sexual contact. But that you had something to tell me first. You disclosed your STI status and told me of your addiction problems. And at that point I almost didn’t pursue the relationship… But I know I was feeling selfish and needy and I still wanted you.

I know how my heart skipped a beat whenever I saw that I had a text from you. I know I fell in love too much, too fast, which is something I know I am often guilty of.

I know that when we touched, something electric happened. I knew then there was no going back.

I know you said you were unhappy in your relationship. That you wanted Herself to leave. That she said things that made your head spin and made you not sure what you felt anymore. I know you told me that I was your only healthy relationship, and that you were scared of losing me, of me hating you. I know you said that both you and Herself suffered from depression and bore many scars from past relationships. I know you said the two of you never had sex anymore, that you slept on the couch because she didn’t want you in her bed, that you wanted to leave but couldn’t because you were scared of being alone.

I know that’s when I suspected a form of abuse or manipulation on the part of Herself. And I know I never mentioned it at that point. I was deep in my own depression and mourning another relationship that I had just lost. I know I never told you to leave her.

I know I urged you to seek counseling, and to return to SA meetings to keep the acting out at bay and the addiction under control.

I know I told you to be honest with Herself about us, about how close we were. I know, now, that when you told me, then, that you were completely honest with her, you lied.

I know when you said the two of you broke up, I was relieved, because I hoped you would finally get the help you needed. And I know at one point I told you your relationship was too broken to fix. But I was basing that on what you had told me… About the abuse and the lies and the depression and everything, and now I’m wondering if any of that was the truth.

And I know that when I met an old friend of yours, who voiced the same concerns I did, I was relieved, and I spilled my soul to her.

And I know now that was a bad idea.

And what I know now is the pain of betrayal. Because that other person made friends with Herself and I came up lacking and I was the one who got the hurtful hateful text messages from Herself and I’m still not sure why or what happened… Because I’m tired of the fighting and the drama and the back and forth, so I’m not going to ask. I’ve blocked their numbers on my phone…. And I know I don’t want contact from either of them any more because it causes too much pain.

Because I know I never wanted the two of you to break up. I just wanted both of you to be happy and healthy and whole. But I know that Herself will never believe that of me and that makes me sad. Because I don’t know what she knows of me. I don’t know what that other person told her, and I don’t know what you told her.

And I know there are three sides to the story…
Either you were in an emotionally abusive relationship and sought solace in my arms, which is what you told me, over and over, and now you have gone back to her, now that she’s driven us apart.

Or, your relationship was peachy keen and healthy and loving, and you were telling me lies to make me feel sorry for you so I would fuck you and give you the attention you craved.

Or, the more likely one, that the truth is in the grey area in between.

Because I also know that life is rarely black and white. It is nearly always the grey area in between.

And I know my heart hurts for what we had. But I know I will heal.

And I know that, whatever your truth is, I hope you will find healing too.

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