Somehow, in the busy-ness of life, I’ve managed to not write since February. I haven’t needed to. Life has been full and fulfilling and fun.
And then last week happened.
I had the perfect weekend planned with Wash. My kids and my husband were out of town. He came over, and we made love and are deli sandwiches for a late dinner and we stayed up late watching anime. We went out for a huge breakfast the next day and went for a long walk and watched more anime and he went home.
And I’m not sure how everything happened afterward… He’d told me his girlfriend knew about our weekend, but it turns out she didn’t. He had told me she knew how close we were, but she didn’t. He had told me a lot of things, and I’m not sure how true any of them were, anymore. I know what I believed, that he was stuck in a relationship that he really wanted out of, that he clung to our time together as a source of peace and renewal. I had told him his relationship seemed unhealthy, to seek help and to, possibly, get out of the relationship so he could heal and learn who he really is.
He decided to stay with her. And I hope they can make it work. I really do.
But I know that means there is no place for me in his life now.
Because so much has been said out of context, behind people’s backs. Because confidences have been broken and lies have been told and people have been badly hurt. I was called some hurtful, horrible names, and it’s time for me to be done.
He asked for time. I told him I loved him, always. He said he loved me too, and good night, for now.
And I know that the last I will likely hear from him.
The two of them an have their life. I wish them the best. I never wanted them to break up, except when I thought it was an unhealthy place for both of them to be. I never wanted to replace her… simply to have a place of my own. And ultimately, if I had known that she did not know how close the two of us were getting, I would not have allowed the relationship to progress like it did. If I had known that she did not give her blessing or consent, I would have bowed out much, much earlier. Before things got so heated. Before they got so intense.
Before I fell in love. Before he loved me back.
After five years of other partners and lovers, I’m, essentially, single again, at least from the poly perspective. My boss asked if I was taking a break from dating, and I said I think I am. I have Mr Awesome. He’s the best husband a girl could ask for. He’s been amazing throughout this whole crazy couple of weeks. I have Velah, who lets me cook for her and brings me Starbucks cards. I have Jirris and Moredena who send me concerned texts, and the amazing girls at work and my twitter peeps.
In other words, single. But not alone. Never alone. Not with the amazing people I have around me.
I’ll heal. It’s summer. There will be harvests and picnics and July 4th and my birthday. I have my art and my work and just maybe I’ll be a little better about writing here again. I’m thinking it’s me who needs the break, after having two relationships end in the last eight months. Take some time to get to know my own head again, recover from the hurt and bewilderment of how things crashed and burned so quickly with Wash.
Time, I think, to dip my toes in the ocean, examine my belly button for a while, and let the universe carry me along to my next destination.