Monthly Archives: June 2014

Results

After waiting for a week, my test results are in. Seems the doctor forgot to call me…

Anyhow.

Everything came back negative. Thank Bob.

It’s a huge weight off my shoulders to know I have left that relationship behind me, with nothing but memories. And some anime that may or may not simply get sold at Powells.

My boss wanted to know if I will start dating again… I’m still not sure. I’m still on OKC. Still chatting with random people about books and other odd stuff. One of my coworkers wants me to go dancing with her and her young, poly, bisexual hipster girlfriends. I think it sounds like a lot of fun but I’m kind of afraid of being that old butch in the corner, nursing a Dr Pepper and chatting up the bartender while the young things dance it up.

I’m feeling my age. I’ll be 35 soon. Tomorrow is my fifteenth wedding anniversary. Mr Awesome and I have been together for seventeen and a half years… Which is literally half of my life. We are going to the coast, and Velah is hanging out with the children, both 2-legged and 4-legged. And after all this time, I fall more and more in love with him. I love our life, the ease of loving one another. The crazy cliche that I married my best friend, and it feel so lucky to spend forever with him.

The passage of Time is hitting me right now. My son is as tall as I am, already, and a wispy blond mustache is starting to grow in. My daughter is a tall and lovely first grader now, with four adult teeth and the most heart-stopping smile I’ve ever seen.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not going to rush things. My life is full and amazing just as it is. And I am thankful for every minute of it.


Testy

On Wednesday, I got to spread my legs for a very attractive woman.

I just wish it was a sexy as it sounds.

The woman in question was my doctor. And it was the second time in three months that I found myself on her table.

My doctor is an amazing woman. She gets the poly thing. Or at least she doesn’t judge it, which is a real bonus in a world full of judgmental health professionals. She also doesn’t bug me about my fat, because my numbers are amazing and I work out regularly and eat really well.

The overwhelming response of my concerned friends since the breakup has been to get myself tested. So I made my appointment…. And it’s funny. I taught teenagers about AIDs during the nineties, the importance of testing regularly when you are sexually active. I knew more about mucous membranes and t-cells when I was 17 than I did the actual acts that would cause them to be something I should be concerned about. I’ve had multiple tests for an assortment of cooties in the past several years.

And yet, I found myself in a near panic state at my appointment on Wednesday.

I shouldn’t have, of course, but I got all sorts of nervous and scared.

My doctor was kind. She wanted to know why I requesting another full panel just three months after my yearly exams. Did I really need HIV testing again, and why was I specifically requesting “all” STIs…

When I told her I had just ended a relationship with someone I now knew to be untrustworthy, her eyebrows raised, and her fingers flew on the keyboard.

“Right then. HIV, and herpes titer, and we’ll do a bright-light scope to look for any lesions…”

Within minutes, I had peed in a cup (dirty catch for gonorrhea and chlamydia), and was on the table with my legs spread wide. She noted a few signs of HPV, no surprise there as it’s something I’ve had for at least several months and likely for a year or more… At any rate it showed up on my last exam. Vaginal culture for high-risk HPV and bacterial vaginosis, and then off to lab for three vials of blood to be screened for HIV, and both herpes viruses, as well as a few other things, I’m sure. I think syphilis is a blood test…

She was both kind and efficient. I was told that she’d call when the results were in, if I wanted, and could skip another office visit.

So I wait. I should be hearing from her any day now.

I know the response I had was mostly to take control, in some small manner, of something that had spun wildly out of my grasp. And also that I wanted to start with a clean slate, to know I left that relationship behind me with nothing more than memories. And the reassurance of telling any future partners that I tested out ok.

Also, no one else is going to look out for my sexual health. That’s my job, and mine alone.

Now I’m going to preach a little. Folks, get tested. If you have sex, get tested. I know it’s harder to test guys for some things, but don’t let that be an excuse to not go in. HIV is a simple blood draw. Some tests require peeing in a cup. Some require, for us ladies, a pelvic exam and can be worked into your yearly Pap smear and breast exam appointment.

But if you’re playing this game of sexual roulette, and if you read my blog regularly, chance are good that you might be, please get tested. For your current partners, and for your future ones.

And most importantly, for yourself.


Where to now?

20140616-115744-43064823.jpg

Yeah… That about sums it up.

I haven’t heard from Wash in almost two weeks. Nor do I expect to. I won’t contact him again. I have some of his stuff, but if he wants it, he has to get ahold of me.

So…

Two relationships failed in the last eight months. And I guess the question is, where do I go now?

The answer is both simple and not… I want to date again, but I’m feeling a little cracked and shell shocked from all the crazy I’ve encountered this last year. I had a nineteen year old hit me up on OKC, but I didn’t answer him. I could have been his mother, and that was very very weird.

I float on, I guess, buoyed by the amazing people that surround me. In a way, this breakup has almost been easy… Things were great until the crazy exploded and then they weren’t great and then they were over. Better that then the slow death by inches of the other relationship, no one acknowledging the problems until they were too big to fix.

My people have been amazing. Mr Awesome… My best friend and lover and the other half of my soul. He held me for my tears and taught me how to punch things safely so I don’t roll my wrists. He’s given me my space and the comfort of his arms. Velah with her fun, funny texts and her loves and her little gifts. Moredena listening to me over dinner. Jirris inviting me over for tea and a chance to chat and blow off steam. An old friend chatting with me through Facebook. Even my co-workers… I’m a lucky soul to be able to be out at work. My boss, funny and snarky and caring and my two part time girls who are full of hugs and kind words.

I float on.

So what if the current of my life got redirected? I still float on.

A the dust settles, I am making plans for my summer. On Wednesday, I see my doctor for all the tests for what used to be quaintly called “social diseases”. Mr Awesome and I celebrate 15 years of marriage on June 28th. We are going to the coast. In July, I get to go see my favorite author speak, and I hope to get a book or two signed while I’m there. Then there is July fourth and our big annual BBQ, and my personal retreat, and camping trips for the kids, and summer reading and back to school and big sales at work and my birthday and my husbands birthday and harvest parties and canning and lazy days at the park…

I float on.

I don’t feel the dark currents this time, pulling me down. I know everyone is concerned, that no one wants to see me spiral again.

I don’t want to spiral again…. I don’t want to lose myself, again. He is absolutely not worth it, nor is anyone else in his life. Our time was good, but it is over. I think I’ve always known it would never last. Fires that burn so brightly never burn for very long.

So here I am. Moving forward. Choosing life, choosing to move on and not look back. To enjoy where the current takes me this time, and not mourn the places I have been.


What I know

There have been so many half truths and odd words, that I’m not sure what to believe right now. I need to sort this out in my head… To get my memories straight and piece together what went wrong, so maybe I can learn and not make the same mistake again.

So.
Here is what I know…

When we met, you were partnered to Herself. I met Herself at that same party where I met you. I friended both of you on Facebook the next day.

I know that I wanted you from the minute I met you. You interested me. I was sad you were already partnered, but I had hoped maybe we could still be friends.

I know our text messages got flirty and hot and sexual very fast. And that’s when I told you I was poly. And you said you were also in an open relationship. That Herself was not interested in sex with you anymore, that she had given you permission to go outside your relationship for sexual contact. But that you had something to tell me first. You disclosed your STI status and told me of your addiction problems. And at that point I almost didn’t pursue the relationship… But I know I was feeling selfish and needy and I still wanted you.

I know how my heart skipped a beat whenever I saw that I had a text from you. I know I fell in love too much, too fast, which is something I know I am often guilty of.

I know that when we touched, something electric happened. I knew then there was no going back.

I know you said you were unhappy in your relationship. That you wanted Herself to leave. That she said things that made your head spin and made you not sure what you felt anymore. I know you told me that I was your only healthy relationship, and that you were scared of losing me, of me hating you. I know you said that both you and Herself suffered from depression and bore many scars from past relationships. I know you said the two of you never had sex anymore, that you slept on the couch because she didn’t want you in her bed, that you wanted to leave but couldn’t because you were scared of being alone.

I know that’s when I suspected a form of abuse or manipulation on the part of Herself. And I know I never mentioned it at that point. I was deep in my own depression and mourning another relationship that I had just lost. I know I never told you to leave her.

I know I urged you to seek counseling, and to return to SA meetings to keep the acting out at bay and the addiction under control.

I know I told you to be honest with Herself about us, about how close we were. I know, now, that when you told me, then, that you were completely honest with her, you lied.

I know when you said the two of you broke up, I was relieved, because I hoped you would finally get the help you needed. And I know at one point I told you your relationship was too broken to fix. But I was basing that on what you had told me… About the abuse and the lies and the depression and everything, and now I’m wondering if any of that was the truth.

And I know that when I met an old friend of yours, who voiced the same concerns I did, I was relieved, and I spilled my soul to her.

And I know now that was a bad idea.

And what I know now is the pain of betrayal. Because that other person made friends with Herself and I came up lacking and I was the one who got the hurtful hateful text messages from Herself and I’m still not sure why or what happened… Because I’m tired of the fighting and the drama and the back and forth, so I’m not going to ask. I’ve blocked their numbers on my phone…. And I know I don’t want contact from either of them any more because it causes too much pain.

Because I know I never wanted the two of you to break up. I just wanted both of you to be happy and healthy and whole. But I know that Herself will never believe that of me and that makes me sad. Because I don’t know what she knows of me. I don’t know what that other person told her, and I don’t know what you told her.

And I know there are three sides to the story…
Either you were in an emotionally abusive relationship and sought solace in my arms, which is what you told me, over and over, and now you have gone back to her, now that she’s driven us apart.

Or, your relationship was peachy keen and healthy and loving, and you were telling me lies to make me feel sorry for you so I would fuck you and give you the attention you craved.

Or, the more likely one, that the truth is in the grey area in between.

Because I also know that life is rarely black and white. It is nearly always the grey area in between.

And I know my heart hurts for what we had. But I know I will heal.

And I know that, whatever your truth is, I hope you will find healing too.


Single

Somehow, in the busy-ness of life, I’ve managed to not write since February. I haven’t needed to. Life has been full and fulfilling and fun.

And then last week happened.

I had the perfect weekend planned with Wash. My kids and my husband were out of town. He came over, and we made love and are deli sandwiches for a late dinner and we stayed up late watching anime. We went out for a huge breakfast the next day and went for a long walk and watched more anime and he went home.

And I’m not sure how everything happened afterward… He’d told me his girlfriend knew about our weekend, but it turns out she didn’t. He had told me she knew how close we were, but she didn’t. He had told me a lot of things, and I’m not sure how true any of them were, anymore. I know what I believed, that he was stuck in a relationship that he really wanted out of, that he clung to our time together as a source of peace and renewal. I had told him his relationship seemed unhealthy, to seek help and to, possibly, get out of the relationship so he could heal and learn who he really is.

He decided to stay with her. And I hope they can make it work. I really do.

But I know that means there is no place for me in his life now.

Because so much has been said out of context, behind people’s backs. Because confidences have been broken and lies have been told and people have been badly hurt. I was called some hurtful, horrible names, and it’s time for me to be done.

He asked for time. I told him I loved him, always. He said he loved me too, and good night, for now.

And I know that the last I will likely hear from him.

The two of them an have their life. I wish them the best. I never wanted them to break up, except when I thought it was an unhealthy place for both of them to be. I never wanted to replace her… simply to have a place of my own. And ultimately, if I had known that she did not know how close the two of us were getting, I would not have allowed the relationship to progress like it did. If I had known that she did not give her blessing or consent, I would have bowed out much, much earlier. Before things got so heated. Before they got so intense.

Before I fell in love. Before he loved me back.

So.

After five years of other partners and lovers, I’m, essentially, single again, at least from the poly perspective. My boss asked if I was taking a break from dating, and I said I think I am. I have Mr Awesome. He’s the best husband a girl could ask for. He’s been amazing throughout this whole crazy couple of weeks. I have Velah, who lets me cook for her and brings me Starbucks cards. I have Jirris and Moredena who send me concerned texts, and the amazing girls at work and my twitter peeps.

In other words, single. But not alone. Never alone. Not with the amazing people I have around me.

I’ll heal. It’s summer. There will be harvests and picnics and July 4th and my birthday. I have my art and my work and just maybe I’ll be a little better about writing here again. I’m thinking it’s me who needs the break, after having two relationships end in the last eight months. Take some time to get to know my own head again, recover from the hurt and bewilderment of how things crashed and burned so quickly with Wash.

Time, I think, to dip my toes in the ocean, examine my belly button for a while, and let the universe carry me along to my next destination.


The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Polyamory from the Inside Out

Sharing my hard earned Poly wisdom one blog at a time.

Candice Czubernat

A leading voice in the LGBTQ and Christian dialogue

Amanda A. Allen

Writer, Reader, Parent, Crazy Person

More Than Salt

The little things in life that matter.

crackingthecookingcode

A fine WordPress.com site

Poly in Columbus

4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

Outside the Lines

Stories from a life spent coloring outside the lines.

phoenixtatgirl

Life, adventures, and daily grind of a girl enjoying figuring the world out

Fortunately Loving Life

A great WordPress.com site

Velah

A topnotch WordPress.com site

Polysingleish

adventures in honest non-monogamy

Love Times Infinity

Polyamory, Nonmonogamy, Ethical Sluttery, and Novel-Writing

Sex Geek

thoughts on sex and life

Nine Tasty Hazelnuts

History, Food and Fantasy from the Celtic World

Sacred Whore Diaries

Exploring sexuality and subcultures

Jack of All Triads

Polyamory, polyfidelity, and processing out loud

JumperCablesKnitting

Knitting Designs by Annie Baker

bluestockings magazine

bluestockings is an intersectional, anti-oppressive publication that commits to centering voices of people from marginalized and historically resilient communities, across multiple axes of oppressed identity.