The Bitch is Back

Mr Awesome asked me yesterday if I was still writing. If not here, which is a place I haven’t been in a month, then was I writing elsewhere? Somewhere?

The sad answer was no.

I have a lot of excuses, and a few very good reasons. They can all be summed up easily. The bitch is back. Or at least she was.

I fight depression. That is something I am frank and open about. It’s as much a part of me as my brown eyes and freckles. And my depression is often triggered by huge life changes.

Let’s just say there’s been some of that going on, lately. And my bitch likes to take away my craft and my muse. And when I add the creative paralysis of depression to the exhaustion of starting a new job and stir in the bare fact that some of the stuff going on I simply cannot write about out of respect to the other parties involved, I’ve hit a bit of a dry spell.

So, in a nutshell, here’s where I am at:
I started a new job. Kind of new, at least. It’s at the dress shop I worked at a few years ago, only in a new position, one a little higher up the management food chain. It’s retail, at the Giftmas season. No mall for me -thank Bob!- it’s a stand-alone store. Room for advancement, the hours are good, the pay is more than I expected. Back with a manager I like and who likes me. It was hard for Mr Awesome to ask me to return to work, but he had to do it. Ends weren’t meeting, and prices are going up at astounding rates. But it’s been hard. I’m missing soccer games again, and bedtimes, and my muse hasn’t visited with me in a while, just when she and I had been getting nice and cozy. I’m closing the store a lot, and it’s hard to get to sleep after a late shift, so I’ve been tired during the day. I’m dealing with the uncertain schedules that are part and parcel of working retail, and getting the store and myself and my staff ready for the holiday season.

And that’s about all I can write about it. I can’t post much about work, or my staff or my customers, because I can get fired if I get caught. So there you are.

But wait, there’s more!
I ended things with the Boyfriend. We had grown apart, communications were breaking down…. All the standard excuses that get dragged out when two people just aren’t in sync anymore, and never will be again. It was sad and awful and heartbreaking and it hurt like hell. I know I hurt him, and it kills me to think that this gentle man that I love very much is hurting because of me. Wash had some very tough words for me, though, that ultimately led me to the decision of breaking up… Hard words to hear, but needed ones. Sometimes the hard truths need to come from someone outside the situation to be heard. But still, I’m mourning what was. I miss my friend and lover. I miss his family, and I feel like I failed his daughter in some way, by not being able to fix what was broken between her dad and myself. Mr Awesome is no longer seeing the Other Woman, either, which is a very very good thing, but still a sad thing at the same time.

“There’s a light…”
I can’t type that without thinking of that song in Rocky Horror… Brad and Janet, searching for the house with the phone… Anyhow.
I’m starting a new relationship. And I’m nervous and scared and giddy. There’s this wonderful guy I met. He has two adorable kids, and he coaches their soccer games on the weekends. He loves the same books I do, and loves hiking in the Gorge and going out for dessert at bookstores. We’ve talked about it, and we think we’d like to start dating.

I’ve started dating my husband again.

I realized that I was getting hit with jealousy like I had never experienced. The tiniest things would trigger me, and that just isn’t normal for me. Mr Awesome would go to do stuff with Velah and it would hurt me, not because I don’t love her, but because I felt him drifting away from me.

We have been together two months shy of 17 years. Literally half of my entire life, and all of my adult years. And it started feeling like all we had in common was the house and our kids, and our history. There have been some hard conversations… The other night we agreed that this whole relationship thing was hard fucking work. But it’s worth it, to have my best friend back. I feel closer to him now that I have in ages and I think we are on a really good path.

I tweeted, some weeks ago, that depression is a bitch. Later, I amended that it say depression isn’t a bitch, she’s my bitch, and I’m winning this round. Which is completely accurate. She’s still sulking in the corner, and sometimes her voice is louder than others. Sometimes her voice is loud enough to drown out all the other voices, and sometimes, like lately, it’s harder to get her back in her corner and force her to stay there. But she’s my bitch, and I’m calling the shots, and she’s not going to push me around, not this time, not ever.

I have written about depression before. Please read my post “The boy with the sad eyes” for more of my thoughts about depression.

Thank you for your time. As always, feel free tool comment below, and like me on Facebook or follow me on twitter for regular updates from me.

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