“We need to talk…”
“There’s a few things I want to discuss with you…”
Aren’t those some of the scariest words a person can hear? Not, precisely, the scariest… I tend to agree with Mr Awesome that the scariest three words are, “I trust you”. But, when you think about it, trusting and talking kind of go hand-in-hand, don’t they?
Poly people talk, at least we should be. Scheduling is a long conversation of who, when, where, how many, how long… What can be done, what can’t be done. We talk about partners and friends and children. We gossip – which is a nasty and harmful habit, but we still indulge in it. We talk about our feelings and our lives and our goals. Things that have been said in a group of poly people have often left me speechless and blushing for the blunt attitude with which they were presented.
I like hearing “I need to check in with you” because that often means good things, or at least not bad things. Checking in, to me, means making sure people are on the same page, or at least reading from the same book. Checking in is usually the language Mr Awesome uses for scheduling and general emotional well-being queries.
“I think we need to talk…” will evoke a near-panic response in me. And I got those words last week, in a text. And there was a long, uncomfortable conversation afterward, and tears. And yes, everything is ok, or will be.
The conversation was long-overdue. Needed. Important. Healing. Healthy. Exhausting. Draining. And sad. I left it feeling tired and battered. I went through the rest of my day in a fog, and begged off of a date night with Mr Awesome so I could go someplace and process it. I walked the mall for a bit, and got a hot cocoa at Starbucks and sat in the bookstore and wrote. I did a lot of texting with Wash, which kept me feeling a bit centered. He had some good insights. I came home and collapsed and slept badly.
I spent the next day at the soccer fields, in the sun. I had to play mean mommy to the Boy, and by the time Lil D’s game came around, all I wanted to do was go home and knit and ignore the world. I found a friend who had had an even worse week and let her use my shoulder for a while, and it helped a lot. Velah and her Boychild came over for dinner, and I made pizza and we played Apples to Apples.
The day after that – yesterday – I went and hung out with Wash and his girlfriend. She and I are making a tentative friendship, for which I am thankful. I helped her with a crochet question, and then Wash bought us lunch. I stopped at the craft store on the way home, and got yarn for a Giftmas present for my little nephew. Wash doesn’t mince words, he doesn’t sugarcoat anything, and he told me a few things that were good for me to hear. Even better, he didn’t judge me for some things I was feeling, just let me say them, and purge them from my mind. On the freeway, between JoAnns and home, I started to bounce to the music. I had my rescheduled date with Mr Awesome last night, and I was looking forward to the time… and it was a lovely evening.
There are some changes ahead. People are in different places in my life than they used to be, and I’m adjusting to what that means. Mr Awesome and I had a talk yesterday about money, and it looks like I need to head back to work. I’m mostly ok with that. It’s been nice being a stay-at-home mommy, but it will be nice to be back to retail and all of it’s ups and downs. It will be easy to get a job, I think… the dress shop where I used to work is always hiring, and I think they will be happy to have me back.
And right now? I’m enjoying the peace of a quiet house. Kitty is next to me, because he wants the chair I am sitting in. I have no one to talk to for a few hours, and the quiet is refreshing, after all the chatter of the past few days.
I’d love to hear any thought you have, in the comments below, and thank you so much for taking the time to read.