Monthly Archives: October 2013

Doing allright

I wanted to insert an inspirational picture, or something funny. I found this instead. Cute fixes everything, right?

I wanted to post a follow-up to yesterday’s post.

You see, I didn’t want to concern people. But I did want to talk about where I am in my life. After all, that’s kind of the point of having a blog.

When I started this blog earlier in the year, I did it with the intent to write about being poly, dealing with depression, and raising a family. And this means writing about the bad things along with the good.

I got some concerned text messages yesterday, from dear friends who were worried about me. And I love that about my people… I love my support network and how we all work to keep each other healthy and sane.

So I’ll tell everyone the same thing I told them. I’m doing fine. I really am. I am at peace with where I am in my life. Changes are big and scary, but I’m dealing with them ok. I realize that even the sad bits have reason and purpose, and I’m going along, feeling well and happy and centered. I am still recovering from the pain and numbness of a pinched nerve I suffered over the summer, but it is healing, with the help of turmeric and qi gong and massage. I am sad about some of the changes in the relationships I am involved in, but all relationships grow, and change, and sometimes even end. I can still take away the happiness and love and lessons those people have brought to my life. I am mostly excited about going back to work. I interview tomorrow with my old boss for a new position on my old team.

So, yeah… that’s where I am at right now. And I appreciate all the kind words and concern. All of y’all are the best. Really.

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Let’s Talk

“Let’s talk…”

“We need to talk…”

“There’s a few things I want to discuss with you…”

Aren’t those some of the scariest words a person can hear? Not, precisely, the scariest… I tend to agree with Mr Awesome that the scariest three words are, “I trust you”.  But, when you think about it, trusting and talking kind of go hand-in-hand, don’t they?

Poly people talk, at least we should be. Scheduling is a long conversation of who, when, where, how many, how long… What can be done, what can’t be done. We talk about partners and friends and children. We gossip – which is a nasty and harmful habit, but we still indulge in it. We talk about our feelings and our lives and our goals. Things that have been said in a group of poly people have often left me speechless and blushing for the blunt attitude with which they were presented.

I like hearing “I need to check in with you” because that often means good things, or at least not bad things. Checking in, to me, means making sure people are on the same page, or at least reading from the same book. Checking in is usually the language Mr Awesome uses for scheduling and general emotional well-being queries.

“I think we need to talk…” will evoke a near-panic response in me. And I got those words last week, in a text. And there was a long, uncomfortable conversation afterward, and tears. And yes, everything is ok, or will be.

The conversation was long-overdue. Needed. Important. Healing. Healthy. Exhausting. Draining. And sad. I left it feeling tired and battered. I went through the rest of my day in a fog, and begged off of a date night with Mr Awesome so I could go someplace and process it. I walked the mall for a bit, and got a hot cocoa at Starbucks and sat in the bookstore and wrote. I did a lot of texting with Wash, which kept me feeling a bit centered. He had some good insights. I came home and collapsed and slept badly.

I spent the next day at the soccer fields, in the sun. I had to play mean mommy to the Boy, and by the time Lil D’s game came around, all I wanted to do was go home and knit and ignore the world. I found a friend who had had an even worse week and let her use my shoulder for a while, and it helped a lot. Velah and her Boychild came over for dinner, and I made pizza and we played Apples to Apples.

The day after that – yesterday – I went and hung out with Wash and his girlfriend. She and I are making a tentative friendship, for which I am thankful. I helped her with a crochet question, and then Wash bought us lunch. I stopped at the craft store on the way home, and got yarn for a Giftmas present for my little nephew. Wash doesn’t mince words, he doesn’t sugarcoat anything, and he told me a few things that were good for me to hear. Even better, he didn’t judge me for some things I was feeling, just let me say them, and purge them from my mind. On the freeway, between JoAnns and home, I started to bounce to the music. I had my rescheduled date with Mr Awesome last night, and I was looking forward to the time… and it was a lovely evening.

There are some changes ahead. People are in different places in my life than they used to be, and I’m adjusting to what that means. Mr Awesome and I had a talk yesterday about money, and it looks like I need to head back to work. I’m mostly ok with that. It’s been nice being a stay-at-home mommy, but it will be nice to be back to retail and all of it’s ups and downs. It will be easy to get a job, I think… the dress shop where I used to work is always hiring, and I think they will be happy to have me back.

This sums up a few people that have been in my life….

 

 

And right now? I’m enjoying the peace of a quiet house. Kitty is next to me, because he wants the chair I am sitting in. I have no one to talk to for a few hours, and the quiet is refreshing, after all the chatter of the past few days.

 

I’d love to hear any thought you have, in the comments below, and thank you so much for taking the time to read.


A Rose By Any Other Name

I don’t fit into a box very well.

I know, I know, big surprise there.

I’ve given up on trying to use language to define who or what I am, either to myself, or to other people. I am simply Me. I take up a Me-shaped space, have my experiences, live my life, love my loves.

Oh, if I am pressed, I can rattle off a list of labels. I’m a mom – but if you call me a soccer mom, I will bitch you out for it. Even if I drive an SUV, even if my kids play soccer. Ahem. Anyhow… I’m a wife, and a friend, and a girlfriend, and a daughter. I’m poly. I’m queer, and currently I’m a little bit butch. I’m an artist. I’m a blogger. I’m a writer.

Wash was saying last night that he thinks what he and I have doesn’t really fit poly well. To me, it fits the definition of poly perfectly… people with multiple loves with everyone being open and honest with everyone else involved. But then, according to Mr Awesome, we don’t fit traditional poly very well, simply by the length of our relationships… his tend to last two or so years, our marriage has lasted  more than 16 years, and my other relationships tend to be more long-term, also.

But we still define ourselves as poly.

And I think Wash is trying to figure out where he fits in the community, all of this still being very new to him and to his girlfriend.

He and I spent a lot of time cuddled up last night. He needed some emotional support, and, to be honest, so did I. There’s been a lot going on recently, and it was nice to be able to air it out.

And he asked that awful question, the one that I dread…. The question that tries to label a relationship. As if a label validates it…

“What are we, exactly, to one another?”

I don’t love boyfriend-girlfriend, and to him, those labels don’t fit. He’s never been married, he’s always been a boyfriend or a fiancée, so he sees it differently than a married poly person might. He threw out that I’m his mistress, but I countered with the argument that that doesn’t fit as he isn’t married. It’s more like he’s my mistress, except he very emphatically is not female. I know some in the community call their other loves “sweeties” but I’ve never liked that, it sounds too cutesy. Friends with benefits might have fit, earlier on, but we have grown too close for that now. So we settled on lovers, and I like the sound of that. It fits as well as anything else, I guess.

That being said, I don’t tend to label my relationships any more than I tend to label myself. I’ve hurt people, before, when they have pushed me for a label and they got an answer that was true in that moment but not precisely true always. And I felt bad, but didn’t know what to do to fix it, because once those words are out in the open, you can’t un-say them. And I’ve never gone for hierarchal polyamory, where partners as assigned rank based on their position in one’s life… Except for one case. Mr Awesome is, unequivocally, my primary partner. He is my husband, and the other half of my being, and my world kind of doesn’t turn without him in it.

But, I do recognize that these labels are important to other people. It helps them find their sense of self, to figure out where they fit in this complex community as well as the world at large. And with that in mind, I’m happy to play along the best I can. Ultimately, if it’s important to the people I love, than it is important to me, too.

Read more on my thoughts about labels:
Labels
Effing Hippie
Ooh Shiny

And always, feel free to leave comments below… I love to hear people’s thoughts about what I have to say.


Oh-Bla-Di

There have been some big changes, here in our little corner of the world. Some of them I have addressed, most of them I have not.

There have been many reasons for keeping mum…. Most of them boil down to not wanting to hurt anyone. Because I am a big believer in not hurting people, especially the people I love.

What’s worse is watching them hurt, and not being able to help, or to offer anything, or to say anything…

Le sigh.

So, dear Readers (all 6 of you…) here is the Reader’s Digest extremely condensed version of the events.

Without going into the whys and wherefores, The Other Woman and Mr Awesome are no longer together. There are Reasons. And I won’t go into them here, because it’s none of my business nor is it the business of anyone other than the two of them.

But there has definitely been a hole in our lives this summer, as we process this development and figure out what it means for us. And I don’t know if this is related, or not, but I don’t really hear much from the Boyfriend anymore. This makes me very sad, and I miss him a lot.

And that’s pretty much it… There has been a lot of really awesome things happening recently, but there has also been, consistently, this shadow, a feeling of loss and the inevitability of time moving on.

“Oh-blah-di, oh-blah-dah, life goes on, blah…” Indeed.


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