The darling Velah left this on my Facebook this morning.
I’ve had a particularly shiny couple of days. And an unexpected visit with Wash last night which has left me a little giddy and blissed out. I can’t usually go to his place. His girlfriend doesn’t want him entertaining when she is home, and she is a bit of a hermit and never leaves the house. But she was out of town last night, so he texted me and asked if I could come over.
It’s a rare treat to be in a place with no children or in-laws or dogs. They have one, very mellow, nearly non-existent cat. It’s worth the drive across town for the time alone. We could play, and have fun, and make noise, and not bother anyone.
I’m beginning to admit to myself that my experiment in casual sex has failed. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I can’t have any level of intimacy without loving someone. Neither can Wash…. for many reasons, casual hook-ups are out of the question for him. I’m falling for him, and trying to be very careful here, because I don’t want to screw things up or hurt people. At all. Ever. The girlfriend has some serious, and well-founded, trust issues. She doesn’t want him getting serious about me. I see her as being triggered by the current behavior, even though things are healthy and above-board this time, because in the past certain actions meant a very unhealthy and secretive thing. But I don’t know her well, and I could be reading it wrongly.
So, I’m aglow in the feeling of a new love, but not in a position where I can tell him that in those words, quite yet. I can share it with him by my actions. He tells me he is so glad to have met me, that I have been good for him, and that I am forcing his relationship with his girlfriend into a healthier and more honest place. I am glad for that.
Trying to find where I fit, and trying to remind myself to not force it. Things will fall into place when it is time for them to. Waiting for fullness, like in the Heinlein novel. Something more than a fuck-buddy but not a girlfriend. Friends With Benefits doesn’t seem to cover it – but oh! the benefits! But FWB seems to be where I’m at right now, and I’m content with that. I don’t have to label a relationship for it to be real, I don’t have to justify its existence for it to satisfy me. I can sit back, and enjoy the journey and the companionship, and grow in the connection with another soul.