Monthly Archives: February 2013

I’m Still Here

So much for my commitment to writing and posting at least twice a week….

I’m still here. Sorry I goofed. Life’s been busy, sure, but not any busier than usual, to be honest. My life is pretty crazy busy most of the time.

I just plain forgot.

So here’s where I’m at right now. I’m getting ready to register my youngest for Kindergarten. My oldest turns ten in a couple of weeks, and we have birthday festivities to plan. There has been a few sunny days here in the Northwest, so I’ve been out in the garden, getting it ready for veggies. There was a Pathfinder night at our house last weekend, and a wonderful brunch date with the Boyfriend the next morning. I’ve had two dates with the New Boy, and I’m rediscovering a 17-year-old self who likes to cuddle in cars. There has been lovely laughing times with my Husband, and a few evenings lingering over Girl Scout cookies. There was a doctor’s appointment with my amazing doctor, who might have some solutions for my pain issues. There has been a crochet class and a few gymnastics sessions and some shoe shopping. There was 28 spelling tests and 14 birthday invitations. There has been an awesome kid who needed some help with some essays, and countless numbers of texts between myself and my friends and lovers.

I’ve bought three CDs and four books and I’ve failed to find the perfect pair of shoes for this weekend’s formal event. My husband bought a sword and a dozen yards of fabrics for costumes for the Faire season. We are all antsy for warmer weather and camping trips and hiking adventures and cold beer on hot days.

And this is my slow season…

Anyhow, I hope to be back to posting regularly. If there is anything you would like to hear me ramble on about, please let me know!


The L Word

I had a date with the New Boy last night. It was lovely and fun. We snuggled for a while in my car, then we went in search of food. He bought me a pretzel, and we wandered around the mall and window shopped. It was sweet. He’s sweet. When the date was over, I didn’t want to go home quite yet, so I went to the bookstore and wandered for an hour. Then I went home, where Husband was spending time with The Other Woman.

New Boy wanted to talk about something. He wasn’t sure about the rules or boundaries surrounding the whole “love” word. He seemed anxious to reassure me that he could, indeed, love more than one person at a time, which I found terribly sweet and touching. I let him know that the “love” word was not out-of-bounds, that I totally understood what he was saying. Then he decided he was starving, and we got food. And it hasn’t been mentioned again. But I am sure it will. He’s testing his wings. For his entire life he’s been poly-in-theory, and this is the first time he’s gotten to put it into practice. I’m a a little daunted by this. I really don’t want to screw it up for him.

I have spent so much of my life loving people that I forget, sometimes, that this is a new thing for some. That they are learning how the heady rush of a new love can walk hand-in-hand with the steady calm of a lifetime love. My heart, instead of running out of room for those special to me, grows in its capacity for loving.

I met my Boyfriend two years ago, today. Before I ever spoke to him in person, when we were still exchanging emails, I knew he was someone who would be in my life for a long time. Somewhere between the coffee and the long walk in the icy rain, I fell in love with him. I came home from that five-hour coffee date soaked to the bone, frozen solid, and walking on air. And I, the person who didn’t think she’d ever find forever, have gotten lucky enough to find it twice. I can’t imagine my life without the love of both of my men. My Husband is my best friend, my partner, my lover. He truly is the other half of my entire being. He is my protector, my champion, my safety net. Boyfriend is almost the exact opposite, personality-wise. He is my rock, my quiet spot, my refuge, my teddy bear. And in loving both of them, I become the entire person I am meant to be. They have both taught me so much about love and life and living and loving.

And a special note to my Boyfriend, “Thank you. Thank you for loving me and for an amazing two years. Thank you for being my friend and lover. Thank you for being my safe space. I love you, my Squishy. For always.”

Winter Winds

Thinking of my boyfriend tonight. A longer post is coming tomorrow, but here is a song that always reminds me of him… and our first date and a cold walk in an icy rain… and stolen kisses and the excitement of finding always, again.

Better than Equal

The conservatives and I have something in common. I know that’s a shocker, and you will be even more shocked when you find out what it is.

I’m not for marriage equality.

Now, once all of you have pulled yourselves off the ceiling, I will explain. I’ll give you a minute.

OK. Here we go.

Let me start by saying that I fully believe my queer sisters and brothers should be allowed to marry. I want them to be able to adopt, to live their lives, to die with dignity, and leave an estate for their partners and children. I want them to be able to visit each other in the hospital and have legal say in each other’s lives. I want them to have the right to a legal divorce, should it come to it, and all the protections the legal system offers in the case of child custody and visitation.

But, I don’t want marriage equality. And here is why.

I don’t think that anyone – gay, straight, poly, mono, or whatever – should aspire to the current state of marriage. This is where the conservatives and I agree… sort of. I think the current structure and expectation of marriage is broken.

This June, the Husband and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage. This is an amazing number to me. It’s nearly half my life. I am a stay at home mom, and I love every minute of it. I do almost all the cooking and cleaning and ferrying of children… in short, on the outside, we have a very traditional marriage. But the expectation that it will end in divorce is still there. People still ask me “What will you do when he leaves you?” People seem to expect it to break, to end badly, to crash and burn. And that’s before they find out we are poly. When they find that out, then we are told that there is absolutely no way we will make a long-term thing of it. That the jealousy will eat our marriage like a cancer, or that one of us will find a partner we like better.

If you look at any bridal magazine, any “Say Yes to the Dress” episode, you see the bride, glorified. The wedding must be perfect, and pricey, or the marriage is doomed. No one goes on to say that the wedding is the smallest part of the biggest picture. That building a life and a family is the hardest thing you will do with your life. That learning to live with someone is tough work, and filing off the rough edges of both personalities involved sometimes really hurts. No one says that sometimes, despite your best go of it, it ends, and you have to put your life back together again. No one tells you that your perfect person can’t always meet every one of your needs, and you need to find a way to work through that. The expectation is, too often, that the one person will be your everything. And that is a lot to ask of one person.

But, the “happily ever after” ending leaves out the good stuff, too. Making a home together, wandering IKEA looking for the perfect things for your nest. The pile of kids and cats in your bed on a Saturday morning. Carving pumpkins together. Watching sunsets while hiking. Drinking coffee on a chilly coastal morning, watching the waves. Seeing your daughter earn her first medal, cheering as your son makes his first goal. It really is true that the tough times make the good times even sweeter.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m not asking for marriage equality. I’m asking for something better. Whatever the structure of your family, I’m asking for something more true, more honest, more real. I’m asking for genuine, committed partnerships and families. I’m asking for more love and less glitz, more truth and less fantasy.

And I genuinely hope that my queer brothers and sisters get the chance to make it work. They have fought long and hard for their love the be legitimized, and they have earned the chance to try.

PS – Happy Valentines Day. I’m spending a quiet day at home with Husband and the kids. In a truly romantic fashion, we have an appointment with our accountant to get our taxes done. I will see my other partners over the weekend and next week. We don’t make a big deal of V-Day in this family. But, here in the state of Oregon, there is some very important happenings going on in the fight for marriage equality. If you are an Oregon resident, I ask that you consider signing the petition to get equality on the 2014 ballot. Thank you.

The Crew of the Poly Roger

Sometimes, it really pays off to be friends with artists.

I am blessed to have an amazing heart family. I have my wonderful husband, who has been my best friend and partner in crime for the last 16 years, and we have our two kids. These are the people I have chosen to be in my life. Almost exactly two years ago, I met my boyfriend. He is, in many ways, the polar opposite of my husband, introverted where Husband is Extroverted, quiet where husband is loud… he is my quiet spot and safe refuge. He has a wife… She is The Other Woman, and she makes the fourth corner of our unique quadrangle. She is one of my very best friends. She siphons off some of Husband’s energy and is Auntie to my kids. She has a beautiful child who goes by Boo and who is like a daughter to me. I also have Moredena. She is my heart-sister. She and I both got dealt pretty lousy blood siblings, and so we decided long ago that we were the sisters we were meant to get instead. She is married to Jirris, and they have a sweet baby boy.

I cannot imagine my life without any of these amazing souls, and I wanted to do something special for them. But how do you show the most important people in your world just what they mean to you?

Well, I am an artist. I like to show people through art. And I knew I wanted something that included our Heart-Family in its entirety.

So, I contacted Lotte, the artist behind the Poly in Pictures comic, and asked if they would be willing to do a portrait of our family, stick-figure style. Lotte and I chatted back and forth via email. They were very patient and accommodating… this was a big project with lots of unique characters and in-jokes. I got to go digging through photos and we finally settled on a background from the Gorge, where our family hikes and picnics quite often.

Most amazingly of all, I kept this whole project a secret from the five other adults for a whole month! Right down to the time I had to pay, and I figured Husband would notice money being Paypal-ed out of the country.

So, here’s our amazing family portrait.

The Crew of the Poly Roger.

The Crew of the Poly Roger.

Boyfriend, Moredena, Jirris – with Baby captaining his own little airship, The Other Woman, my daughter, Boo, my Son, Me, my Husband. We are hiking at Angel’s Rest in the Columbia River Gorge.

To families, traditional and non-traditional…To special memories and warm summer days spent hiking… to all the wonderful children I’ve gotten to be Auntie to… To artists and art and love and laughter and yarn and music and Pirates and everything.

And a great big thank you to Lotte… Without whom this family portrait would not have happened.

PS – This was a commissioned piece. If you wish to use this art for whatever reason, it is under the licensing of the artist, AND you have to get my permission as well. Thank you.